Friday, October 26, 2007

A Dollop of WhipCream on a Crap Sundae

I didn't come up with the caption above, but I like it. It sums up how I feel about anything good that the Bears accomplish this season. We are getting no closer to a championship team. In fact, we are moving further away from a Super Bowl. It is time to find out who can play at the highest level. If you can't, then beat it.

I hate the survival instinct of NFL coaches. They have to win to save their jobs. So as a result, they try to win "right now" as opposed to doing what is best for the future. As a fan, I could care less about these coaches. If we are not good enough to win the Super Bowl this year, I don't care if we scrape together 8 or 9 wins and lose a playoff game. I want to do whatever it takes to get better. If Benson sucks, don't play him and put in someone or find someone who can. Let's find out if Kyle Orton can play. Play some rookies and backups. Make this season worthwhile instead of hitting up fans for worthless playoff tickets .

Speaking of "who can't," Cedric Benson tops the list. I would love to continue to delude myself into believing that the "lightswitch" will soon be flipped on, but really, I would be wasting energy. He cannot do this NFL running back thing. He is a bust. We wasted a first round draft pick on this load. Lovie still wants us to buy his theory that we are a running team. How much more of this coach can we stand? My boys at FOOTBALL OUTSIDERS.COM have the Bears rush offense DEAD LAST! (Wow, caps and excessive punctuation) So, we must be a passing team because our pass offense is 27th out of 32 teams. Why doesn't Lovie just tell us that we actually have won all 7 games. Maybe we'll believe that too. Fuckin' lying bastard. It's like passing a kidney stone, writing this.

I have not been to a game since Dallas, and I'm not going back this year. I can't sit out there, frustrated, with all that is going on at home and at work. It is a long day. Better to be home and shut off the TV if necessary. I want the comfort of home while I suffer. Wouldn't we all like to die in our own beds with our loved ones by our side? Is this too extreme of an example?

I will be tailgating in my driveway this Sunday. Sunny and temps in the 50's. I will roll out the big Weber, play some bags with the girls and fire up some brats and burgers. Maybe I can get the cable hooked up and watch the game outside. I have always wanted to do this. Big aspirations, I know. Also, I am aware that some may wonder how I can celebrate a Bears Sunday after my increasingly negative comments and outlook. That's the M.O. of an addict, enthused about the next fix yet certain to rage against the subsequent crash. At least the grill never disappoints.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Yeah, I've Been Watching.

It's been awhile; I'm busy with life. Just closed out a frustrating 6th grade football season with two straight wins. Final record 2-6. Glad it's over. Also, I just found out that I have a new daughter coming in 26 days, and, you will love this, I am a lawyer. Back to work, old man. College and weddings and Bears.

I watched the Bears play one great defensive half of football and steal a win in Green Bay. Possible season saver. Then, an absolute disgraceful performance against Minnesota...quoting Michael Corleone..."IN MY HOME! WHERE MY WIFE SLEEPS, WHERE MY CHILDREN PLAY WITH THEIR TOYS!" The Bears defense must return the title of "formidable defense." As my Jewish buddy says, "They are an ashande to the goyim." That means "they suck." I can't even talk about this, I will break out in hives.

I have been in this situation before. By situation, I mean where the season is over by week 7. These are the Chicago Bears; lousy seasons are not rare. That is when you must find the college game, or even better, high school football. If you feed the addiction by overdosing on ballgames Friday night and Saturday, you can actually go to the mall, shop, miss the Bears game, avoid the gut-punch fallout after they play like crap, and actually enjoy a Sunday in autumn. Much easier to do if you live downtown-lots to do. In WESTBURBIA, it's the mall.

As for this week, wait who do they play, oh yeah, Philly at Philly. By the way, the cheesesteak, not overrated. The Eagles are reeling. Nothing like a late afternoon with Lovie to get them healthy. That's pessimistic, but I am pissed. A rookie running back sets an all-time rushing record against a Bears defense that supposedly turned the corner. Our running back can't stop slamming into the backs of his own lineman. We pay him millions to sniff their asses. Where is that hydrocortisone cream? I am itchy.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

This Squeeky Wheel Gets No Griese

I'm not surprised by Sunday's loss. I am dizzy from the slew of injuries. That's the NFL, folks. I wish some more offensive players would get injured or, spontaneously combust so that Jerry Angelo and the Muffin would start beating the bushes for some offensive talent. I warned you about this quarterback thing. It is a band-aid on a severed aorta. Blood everywhere. We ignored the offense all off-season, and now, it is biting us in the ass. Normally, I take no solace in another's misery when attempting to soothe my wounds. Alas, this is a new day, season, miserable situation. I could be a Charger fan. They fire their coach after a 14-2 season. They hire a coach with a losing record. They have the best running back in football. Everyone is more relaxed and comfortable. They are planning for a trip to Arizona for SB42. WHAM!! They are 1-3 and staring into the abyss (Pats and Colts). Lost at home to the CHIEF. At least they have great weather. Shit, that would make THERE better than HERE. I am not feeling well again. Time to move on.

I also take some solace in the knowledge that no one is beating the Pats or the Colts. You have to watch the Patriots any time they are on the tube. I have not seen such domination since, well, hmmmm, the Patriots of 2003-2004. More dominant than that group, at least offensively. Great players, great coaches, great management, great ownership, you getting the picture. Not great weather, however.

I tried the Portillo's chocolate shake. I should say, "I attempted to try the Portillo's chocolate shake." It did not go over so well. I drove with Maggie to the Portillo's on Ogden at 7:30 p.m. on Saturday. The drive-thru was jammed, so we decided to go inside. There were 1,500 people in there. No wonder why Americans are so fat; you can't eat dinner, especially that food, so late at night. Unless they are hitting the treadmill later that evening, that gut bomb is with you until the a.m. I am sure they are removing the buns and fries. Nevertheless, we ordered two small chocolate milkshakes and proceeded to weave through the sea of humanity to await our dessert. We waited and waited. After Maggie and I solved several domestic policy problems for the Bush administration, our shakes arrived. Only they were "Chocolate Cake Shakes." Yes, that's right, and they tasted as bad as you are now imagining. No way was I going back into that quagmire of Naper-villains; I just wanted out. Anyway, their shakes come out of a dispenser which automatically eliminates Portillo's as a contender. Oberweiss Forever.